Unknown Emotional State

by Lucent

My worst panic attacks always come immediatly after this thought: "Im glad i'm doing so much better and havent been panicking at all lately!" This ensures that it will slam into me with such force that if i could bottle it, itd be a war crime to even possess it.

I have an extremely bad neurological problem. I feel everything to such a degree that all sensation always causes pain. Always. This keeps me panicking a good half of every day (On my fourth right now, 2 hours.)

But the absolute worst one was the first one. Because it is so stupid as to be...stupid. I dont know. Heres what happend: My heart rate in the bath was kinda up a bit high; not all that unusual or anything. But for some reason, i went and checked by pulse.

My fingers on my neck were about..half an inch off of where they needed to be to palpate the region. It took less than 2 seconds for me to fix this. But in that tiny time frame, I didnt feel my pulse. And I panicked utterly. Again, it was clearly the wrong place, and my pulse was fine after i moved them into the right spot.

The damage, however, was done. This scared me so much that i ahve spent the last year or so terrified of the return of problems that NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Im terrified of passing out, which hasnt happend. Im scared of my heart stopping - again, has not happend. And yet it happens every single day.

Now I constantly terrify myself by watching my pulse in my wrist. if i cant see it, I think im dying. But I dont even know what im looking for!


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