Living with constant anxiety

by Lindsey
(MA, USA)

To give you a brief history, I've had anxiety all my life, ever since I can remember. I used to have panic attacks as a child, I just never knew what they were or that they weren't normal. I was afraid of everything as a child also: Thunder and Lightning, Fireworks, Motorcycles, Wind, you name it.

Anyway, I had panic attacks all throughout my childhood and into my adulthood. But they only lasted a few minutes and the symptoms went away fairly quickly afterwards.

About a year and a half ago I was laying on the couch, watching a movie and I fell asleep, I woke up in such a panic and fear that I was going to be alone forever. I was so out of it, I felt like I was in a different dimension and I just could not calm down. I had felt derealization before, as it had accompanied my panic attacks in the past. But this was very extreme. And the feeling did not go away. And obviously, the more I thought and worried about it, the worse it got. I ended up going to my doctor and she put me on Celexa, which after a few weeks, seemed to work. I took it for a few months and then I thought it was making me depressed, so I came off of it. I was taking Ativan as needed for the panic attacks but it wasn't helping the chronic anxiety/fear/loss of reality that I was feeling all day, everyday! I tried taking Prozac, for two days, and cried my eyes out, for two days. My doctor suggested Effexor XR - but I was reluctant to take it after reading about its horrible discontinuation syndrome, so she didn't prescribe it.

About 2-3 months ago I was feeling very anxious all day at work, just an overwhelming fear. A constant agony and feeling that I am not living in reality. I decided to take an Ativan because I decided that I shouldn't have to feel this way everyday. And..... IT DIDN'T WORK!

That's when I really started to freak out. Ativan was like my security blanket, even if I didn't take it, just knowing that I had it, and I COULD take it if things got too bad, was enough. And now that was gone.

I went back to the doctor - long story as short as possible I am now on 10mg Celexa - 300mg Wellbutrin and 1mg Ativan as needed.

My therapist thinks I should try .5mg Klonopin twice a day to lower my overall anxiety level until we can find the right meds that will work. I'm just very nervous about addiction and dependency. I'm also unaware of how we will know that the meds are working if I'm on the Klonopin. And my biggest fear is that I will never find a med/combo of meds that works for me and I'll be on Klonopin for the rest of my life!

Any thoughts/ideas/similar stories??