I'd never been happier in my life

by Tushar
(Gurgaon, Haryana, India)

I'd had a great past couple of months, life felt extremely easy. Even when it was hard(subjective) and I had to work, I knew that all I have to do is work. The point being that I realized that no matter which situation I am in, there is a way out, all that I need to do is find it. And realizing that was enough for me.

Then one night I was lying in bed trying to sleep, and all of a sudden i felt this terrible fear, but I didn't know what I was afraid of, so I thought to myself why am I feeling so scared? I told myself to calm down and try to think about what could do this to me, but I was unable to think clearly because I was so scared! And that scared me even more, so I thought to myself, What is this? Am I panicking? And that question seemed to elevate my fear. So I led myself to the conclusion that thinking about panicking is scaring me, so try to think about something else. But I couldn't! All I could think about was what was happening to me and why the heck was I so scared? And then what followed was the worst 1 month of my entire life. Every day I lived under the presumption that my thoughts were causing this terrible feeling, that my life had become so bad because of my own mind. The very mind that I used to be so proud of, the one that made me ME! My own consciousness.

But all that was in reality was just me panicking and then my panic manifesting itself as a panic disorder. It wasn't my thinking that scared me, I was already so incredibly scared, it didn't matter what i think, I would be scared. It was very hard for me to accept that fact. I didn't want to believe that I wasn't in control of my own mind, because that scared me even more! But then I realized, its just fear. I am being crippled by my own fear, fear of not being able to accept my current situation, of what will happen in the next moment, of whether I will ever feel good again. I then told myself, Just Live Through It. Feel every moment of this fear, remember this fear, because there will be a day, if not a day, at least a moment, where I will feel good. And in that moment I will intentionally think about this fear. This fear that cripples me, if it ruins the moment, I will allow it to do so, because I would've already felt great for that moment, and this fear would then automatically and logically become a little hollow. For I fear that I will never feel great again, But I just did, and now I'm scared again. So this fear is not from my thoughts or from my consciousness, its just there. I don't have to blame myself for it. In fact, I shouldn't blame myself for it. And you know, suddenly, I wasn't that scared anymore.

What I'm trying to say I guess is that you cant control how you feel, what you can control though are your actions. If you're ever feeling extremely scared or are going through a panic attack, just do as much as you can. Give your best effort! And once you've done that, look back on that situation. You made it! Doesn't matter how, if you sucked or if you rocked the world or whatever, you made it! You've done it once, you can do it again, that is what matters.

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