I couldn't breathe.

by Nina
(Slovenia)

I won't go on what was/is happening in my life, but I was crying in the bathroom. I remember a razor near me, I didn't cut, yet it was there. All of the thoughts I was having made me feel nauseous. Suddenly nothing was around me, it was all blurry and spinning. I couldn't stop thinking about that one thing and about how nothing will ever get better. I didn't know what was happening (it was my first panic attack), but the thoughts in my head were getting louder and I couldn't shut them up. I felt like I was drowning, I fell to the bathroom floor and started breathing really heavily, but I was still without air. I was shaking, crying, I was scared. I can't explain the feeling, I can't tell you how terrible it was. I just felt like the thing that would make everything better would be death. I felt like I was dying and I just wanted it to come to end. I just wanted to die. Nothing would get better, everything is meaningless, I hate myself, no one loves or likes me. It's never getting better. It's never going to be normal. You aren't normal. I also threw up a little after I could catch a breath. It slowly ended after that when I splashed my face with water and I cried for a couple more minutes.

It was my first panic attack and it wasn't the last or the worst. Sorry, because my English isn't perfect.