Awful Experiences-age 15

by Anonymous
(United States)

Well, I'm 15 and I've only had two panic attacks. Both have happened this year. I've been very anxious, worried, and nervous about everything. This year has been a lot more stressful. And I used to be a very chill go with the flow type of person, but now it's hard not to feel overwhelmed by everything. My first panic attack was freaky. I didn't know what was happening. I was upset and then I got up to get something and boom. I couldn't breath and then I started crying uncontrollably. I was very scared because I was home alone. I kept thinking about things that were so irrational and it felt like I was going crazy. I don't know how long the attack was. It felt like it was forever, but then again it went by in a blink of an eye. After that experience I was worried about my health. I looked up tons of stuff about mental disorders and thought I had like every one of them. I had my second attack tonight. It was scarier than the first one. I was very tense and was kinda tingly. And then I started panicking. My muscles felt so jittery and I couldn't quit moving. Since I had experienced it before, I tried to calm down. I tried breathing slowly but it felt like I couldn't get enough oxygen and it was hard to calm down. I tried listening to peaceful music but it wasn't helping. I was so scared and so many thoughts were flying through my head. I didn't even feel like I was me. Again I felt crazy. I felt like I was gonna die. This time my whole family was home but I didn't want them to see me like a wreck so I hid in the bathroom. I felt trapped because I didn't want to freak out and I knew that I had to leave the bathroom eventually or they'd know something was up. I cried less this time, even though I wanted to bawl, but I panicked a lot more. I kept asking myself crazy stupid questions like what's happening? What is this? Who am I? Where am I? What am I gonna do? Telling myself to stop. Telling myself that I was fine. Even though I had an answer to each question and knew that I wasn't okay. I was freaking out about everything, but I was freaking out about nothing too. I eventually calmed down, but my body and muscles still feel jittery. It sucks afterwards too, because you feel embarrassed, worthless, scared, empty, tired, and lonely. You feel like nothing but then again you feel like everything. I still feel scared. I hope I don't get another attack but I know that it's likely that it will happen again. I'm scared that someone will see this one. I haven't told anyone what I've been feeling and experiencing. I think I might have an anxiety disorder, I have panic attacks but not a panic disorder because I've only had two, ocd or ocpd which is like being a perfectionist and that probably leads to the anxiety, and a little bit of depression. There are times when it seems weird that a year ago I was normal and didn't feel all these things. It doesn't seem possible. I haven't told anyone about anything and no one seems to notice or care about my troubles. My friends don't see it and I don't think my family would take it seriously so I'm afraid to tell them. Maybe I'm just over exaggerating and I'm fine? That's what I want to tell myself. I know lots of people experience these things so that helps. It's nice to hear about others with the same problems. I hope you guys read this and it helps you or something. Thanks.

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