Last night was very bad. I had a panic attack. I sobbed and I sobbed and felt a cold burn in my chest and a numbing in my arms. I had to breathe through a paperbag just to calm myself down.
This usually happens when I feel I almost am about to sink down an emotional hole. When I am to embark on an outpour of strong emotions such as anger, love, selfhate, dissapointment and total darkness.
My brain goes bonkers and it gets uncontrollable from there. It used to be very scary now I have managed to ease the attacks for a shorter period of time. When this happens I shutdown.
What I have is a very hyper active brain, trained to go zero to sixty most of the time. It was and always is, growing up as independent as I was. The only thing that I have in mind in calming it down passively is alcohol, when time is due and able I meditate or have a sober introspection where all the gunk is washed by terrible tears of a 5 year old. After which all the excess emotional stuff gets flushed out and I am ready to face the world again. I have always adapted this coping mechanism to extreme fear for most of my life. I know it has isolated me from my family and a lot of potential relationships because I did not want to be a burden to other people. I am a terrible people please machine.
It's hard to trust someone with this weakness, you feel all the world has a lot of things going on that you simply don't feel like a contributing member 24/7 so I just always feel the need to deal and try to get up again. And by thinking that way I learned to tame this down and cope with life.
As terrible as what's been going on the result of coping manifest as though I am the strongest of the strong, funnest of the fun and the person who has it all together. Inside, I am crumbling like a dry cake. What keeps me sane is knowing that the only entity that selflessly know and understand me is God, my own personal God. Hey, somebody owes to believe in something and I have pretty much established that after the worst panic attack of my life 8 years ago. I almost killed myself. I was 27 years old.
If you can relate, this wont go away easy I know. You just need to let it out of your system. Your thoughts are temporary.
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There are a lot of people that die committing suicide not knowing whatever they feel.