Every Panic Attack is the Worst Panic Attack

by Macy
(So. California)

It never gets any better, or at least, for me it doesn't.

I have suffered from Panic Attacks since the age of six. Yup, that's right, six! I've never known what it's like to live a "normal" life.

It's impossible to have a relationship. Why would any one want to date someone that can't go anywhere?
It's impossible to have friends. Again, who would want a friend that can't go anywhere?
I can't travel, I can't explore, I can hardly leave the house. This is "living" for me. Yet, this isn't living, this is existing. I exist. I've existed for 35 years.

The only way I make it through work is knowing that I live less than 10 minutes away (2.8 miles to be exact)and if need be, I can be home quickly if they get out of control. Which is most of the time for me.

I have been on every medication on the market, and none have worked. I've ended up literally hating everyone around me because they can live, be happy, get married, have children, actually live a life that I've always wanted. They get to live. I'm the biggest fake I know. The people at work think I'm the happiest person they have ever met. Only if they knew. I'm always smiling but inside I'm screaming!

I'm not suicidal, believe me, but I look forward to the day that I die. No more panic attacks, no more pain. 35 years I've existed with this nightmare.

I would wish this on NO ONE! Not even my worst enemy.

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